


good days / bad days

by himemiyaa



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Gen, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, all the sazed stuff is in the past tense, it’s taako reflecting on how fucked up and bad that relationship was, they dont call me vi traumataako for nothing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-15
Updated: 2018-02-15
Packaged: 2019-03-19 01:33:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 729
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13694100
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/himemiyaa/pseuds/himemiyaa
Summary: Sometimes it makes sense: he hears a song that Sazed used to sing while he cleaned the stagecoach and it makes Taako feel like he’s back there, flouncing about after a show, letting Sazed do all of the heavy lifting. Other times it seems like he’s set off by nothing at all, just living, existing, when suddenly he feels the past like a punch to the gut.





	good days / bad days

**Author's Note:**

> now you may be asking yourself “hey, how much of this is the author projecting super duper hard?” and well....... you know ;)
> 
> goofs aside, pls take the rape warning into account. there’s nothing graphic, but there is some self-blame that could be potentially triggering. stay safe.

When Taako met Sazed, he saw an opportunity.

He thinks about that day sometimes, and about all the days that followed it. He doesn’t want to linger on the past, but sometimes it’s hard. Sometimes it makes sense: he hears a song that Sazed used to sing while he cleaned the stagecoach and it makes Taako feel like he’s back there, flouncing about after a show, letting Sazed do all of the heavy lifting. Other times it seems like he’s set off by nothing at all, just living, existing, when suddenly he feels the past like a punch to the gut. One moment he’s playing keep-away with Angus and Magnus and Merle, and the next his ears are flat against his skull and he’s replaying conversations in his head.

On bad days he forgets which conversations are real and which ones he made up. So much of his time with Sazed feels blurry. It’s different to Fisher’s static -- there’s nothing filling in the gaps for him, just a sick sense of _wrongness_ in his gut.

Taako struggles with blame. His family says the poisoning wasn’t his fault. But wasn’t it? Didn’t he deny Sazed something simple? Couldn’t he have just said yes and let Sazed co-host? And that’s only the tip of the iceberg. Didn’t Taako flirt? Didn’t he rest his hands on Sazed’s to show him how to chop vegetables? Didn’t he lean in close to breathe on the back of Sazed’s neck? He shouldn’t have led Sazed on. He shouldn’t have let him think he was interested.

Sazed was never even violent -- just persistent. Shouldn’t Taako have just said no?

If someone did that to Lup, Taako would kill them. That isn’t hyperbole -- he would use Lup’s favorite spells and watch the motherfucker burn. But then, Lup is kinder than Taako. He deserves punishment. And she’s stronger-willed, too -- she’d never have caved.

On good days, he knows that that, at least, was not his fault. On bad days, he can’t stand Kravitz’s touch.

After the Day of Story and Song, Sazed gave himself up. He went to the authorities in Glamour Springs and surrendered. Taako imagines how that must have looked. Sazed, looking like a victim with his head hung low, the way he often did when they traveled together. Any slight (and admittedly, there were more than a few) and Sazed would look sheepishly at the ground, eyes welling up with tears. In retrospect, Taako thinks he must have been trying to make him feel guilty. He’s ashamed of how little it worked. Taako wonders if Sazed dyed his hair after the poisoning, the same way he did, to avoid suspicion.

Sazed sent Taako an apology from prison. It wasn’t a real apology. It was to make himself feel better, to absolve himself of sin and responsibility. He’d turned himself in and tried to paint himself as a martyr.

On good days it fills Taako with anger to think about it, makes him pace around his kitchen and fume. On bad days the apology hangs around his neck like an anchor: it’s proof that Sazed is the bigger man, that if Taako could have just been less _selfish_ , he wouldn’t have driven a gentle soul to kill.

On bad days Taako soaks for hours in his tub, trying to wash off a thousand phantom smells -- sex, garlic, memory. Then he climbs out and goes back to bed, soft blanket layered under a weighted one. He tries to ignore the feeling of fingers running across his skin, the visions of people coughing and vomiting and Glamour Springs’s skyline receding fast into the distance. He waits for people to come home or stop by for a visit, silently begging the universe to send him the help he won’t ask for. When he hears the door open he floats into the living room in his pajamas. His family knows, when he’s like that, that something is wrong.

They sit with him. Sometimes they stroke his hair. Sometimes they sit on opposite ends of the couch. They speak quietly about nothing in particular; Kravitz will sing, or Angus will read aloud from his Caleb Cleveland novels. Lup reminds him of their favorite cycles and recipes, of their aunt’s nursery rhymes, of anecdotes he’s forgotten.

On good days, it makes him feel better. On bad days, at least he’s not alone.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading. if you liked this, feel free to hit me up on tumblr [@ traumataako,](traumataako.tumblr.com) where i take ficlet requests.


End file.
